wife & mother

[aggrezior]

i would like to start by telling to all that my mum is weird...or maybe too posessive.

 

my wife and i will normally go back to my parents place for dinner on 1 of the weekdays, after work. that is like plus minus 8pm. also will go back on either sat or sunday for half a day. the main problem>>>its all started when i got married 3 years ago. 4 of us stay together at the old house. for 6 months or so. then we decided to get our own house, which is only across a street. thinking it was a good chance so we moved in soon after. my mum starts to get so depressed after that. kept saying we had abandon them etc...i have said that we will still be seeing them every week. but she just some how could not take it. she will blame my wife everynow and then saying she had taken her son away from her. also say alot of nasty things that really hurt her. i as a son really do not know how to solve this issue. im really feel sad for my wife for going through this. we also had been trying hard to have a baby but still in vain. we thought so that having 1 more person in the family should have change my mum. she kept blaming us for not wanting to have baby. anyway my wife just got another session from her last evening when she reached my parents place 1st. im still in office when she sms me about it. i rushed back after that. haizzz...

 

In conclusion, my mum will always be templimental over to us and that really stress both of us alot. like that so stressful want to have baby also hard lor. doc have mention that my wife could be too stressful. i think like wise.

 

please advise

[paperger85]

My advise will be to leave things as they are. Tell your wife to not take it to heart. Afterall, you're your mom's son and after living with you for so many years, naturally she'll feel sad that you're moving out. Some parents will never get over it and I guess your mom is one of them.

[Throttle]

firstly, is your mum educated enough to understand the situation.

by this , i do not mean academic education.

 

Some people due to their low exposure in life and experiences can only live in their own framework which may have a volume as small as a jar's.

 

Your duty is to talk to her so that she understands.

Each human being is ultimately an individual and carries out responsibilities to more than one person. A son may also be a husband and father or uncle etc....

 

beyond trying to talk to her and reassuring her, unfortunately, there is nothing much more you can do , unless you choose to be much more of a son than a husband.

 

Same for a parent, we can only try our best to make our children understand and educate them. but the rest is up to the individual.

 

Communication and expression is very important and is lacking in our asian society.

Give her a hug and tell her that you love her and you are doing your duties as a man, a son , a husband and hopefully a father in the future.

 

She must understand.

[paperger85]

firstly, is your mum educated enough to understand the situation.

by this , i do not mean academic education.

 

Some people due to their low exposure in life and experiences can only live in their own framework which may have a volume as small as a jar's.

 

Your duty is to talk to her so that she understands.

Each human being is ultimately an individual and carries out responsibilities to more than one person. A son may also be a husband and father or uncle etc....

 

beyond trying to talk to her and reassuring her, unfortunately, there is nothing much more you can do , unless you choose to be much more of a son than a husband.

 

Same for a parent, we can only try our best to make our children understand and educate them. but the rest is up to the individual.

 

Communication and expression is very important and is lacking in our asian society.

Give her a hug and tell her that you love her and you are doing your duties as a man, a son , a husband and hopefully a father in the future.

 

She must understand.

 

 

Totally agree. If she just doesn't understand, no matter what you do, she will not understand.

[lutein]

Your mom does not understand boundaries.

 

Once a son has gotten married, he has formed his own family and his responsibility is to his wife and/or children. Same applies to women.

 

We don't abandon our parents of course, but our primary loyalty is to our spouses. Afterall, you chose the spouse, you didn't choose your parents.

 

Having a child will not solve the problem. It will give her more ways to interfere with your family.

 

I do empathise. My ex in laws live in Malaysia so I don't have to hear her nagging all the time. But she pesters my ex and drives him crazy. Unfortunately for some children, even after they get married and move out, the parents still treat them like children.

 

One of the reasons I am reluctant to have children is because I don't want her to kacau me all the time. Fortunately, my ex also didn't want children.

 

We live 10 mins from my mom. However, we only go back for dinner once a week. Sometimes on weekends, she would bring food to my place. She doesn't nag about us not going back etc. She also doesn't interfere with how we live our lives (job, children etc). She knows the boundaries and she respects it.

 

My mom has a job to occupy her so maybe that's why she doesn't kacau us so much.

 

Blackmail... every parent (especially mother) does it. My mom does it too (when she wants to travel, she'd say "you don't go with me this time, next time no more chance already"). I tried ignoring, until I got so fed up and scolded her "don't blackmail me, it won't work on me and I do not like it." Now, she has stopped doing it.

 

You need to establish boundaries and more importantly, you need to establish yourself up as a separate ADULT family. You also have to redefine your relationship with your parents on adult-adult terms. How to do that? I don't know. Somehow for my mom and I it came naturally; not so for my ex and his parents. My guess is your mom is one of those "put all hope into the children" kind of parents. My mom is quite independent-minded.

 

Maybe she should get a part-time job.

[wait4me]

rent yr house

and move back to mum ?

[stanco]

are u like the only child? and ur mum not working... so got alot of free time on her hand?

[Baphomet]

for me stra8 forward...i known my mother how long? a lifetime...my wife? 7 years..my mother gave me my life.. my wife makes my life like hell...lol jkjk

 

in fact for my case..is my mother and my wife gang up on me one...

[paperger85]

for me stra8 forward...i known my mother how long? a lifetime...my wife? 7 years..my mother gave me my life.. my wife makes my life like hell...lol jkjk

 

in fact for my case..is my mother and my wife gang up on me one...

 

better that they gang up on you than they both go against you!

[hors3m3n]

for me stra8 forward...i known my mother how long? a lifetime...my wife? 7 years..my mother gave me my life.. my wife makes my life like hell...lol jkjk

 

in fact for my case..is my mother and my wife gang up on me one...

 

hahaha.. poor thing..

 

better that they gang up on you than they both go against you!

 

isnt that the same thing?

[paperger85]

hahaha.. poor thing..

 

 

 

isnt that the same thing?

 

i think his case is both agreed together to gang up on him. unlike some cases whereby both mother and daughter in law unhappy with each other and take it out on the husband and make the man choose.

[hors3m3n]

i think his case is both agreed together to gang up on him. unlike some cases whereby both mother and daughter in law unhappy with each other and take it out on the husband and make the man choose.

 

i tink the second one very common.. that's y u see alot of guys slack at coffeshop talk to beer lady better.. hahaha... worst to worst ask u choose, tiger or stout??

[paperger85]

i tink the second one very common.. that's y u see alot of guys slack at coffeshop talk to beer lady better.. hahaha... worst to worst ask u choose, tiger or stout??

 

then when you get home, you get to choose also. Floor or sofa.

[hors3m3n]

then when you get home, you get to choose also. Floor or sofa.

 

hahaha.. so true...

 

life is abt choices..

 

we as men get to choose,

 

bad or worse..

[Baphomet]

then when you get home, you get to choose also. Floor or sofa.

 

hahaha...sounds so familiar...

 

better that they gang up on you than they both go against you!

 

lucky i still got a powerful ally...my little princess. lol. all these years of bribery pays off. lol

Edited June 12, 2009 by Aie

[Fritz]

Stay single as long as possible the best, hahaha!

[paperger85]

lucky i still got a powerful ally...my little princess. lol. all these years of bribery pays off. lol

 

heehee...your little princess won't be there to save you forever.

[Baphomet]

heehee...your little princess won't be there to save you forever.

 

hmn..so far so good..

[paperger85]

hmn..so far so good..

 

this, only time will tell.....

[Baphomet]

this, only time will tell.....

 

wah lau ae..y u like want things to happen one...i nvr do wrong thing leh..onli like to drink nia..no big deal mah...lol

[paperger85]

wah lau ae..y u like want things to happen one...i nvr do wrong thing leh..onli like to drink nia..no big deal mah...lol

 

I never say things will happen what!!! lol

[B20]

u have 2 understand for ur parent... how they think n y they think like tat...

n if dun have problem living 2gether wif them den y not move to a bigger house n all stay 2gether?? can even rent out the old house 2 earn back some cash..

[Baphomet]

TS...1 thing for sure..both women love you dearly. isn't thats what matters most?

[paperger85]

My thoughts...move back with your mom.

 

You only have so many years to accompany her.

[m_ho]

If there is one day, your mother and ur wife fall into sea at the same time, who will u save first?..

This kind of questions will nvr have its answer. A chinese quote said, palm is made by skin, and the back of ur hand too.. So TS situation is the most Tough point..

 

Anyway, if u r a chinese, u must have heard of one quotation that 百行以孝为先. Obedient comes first. Without ur mother, u wont be existing in this world n ur wife will not be yours. Try to make ur mum understand if condition still continue, then just live with her cuz how many years ur mum bring u up till u have ur own family, and now the time to pay her back all she gave u since u was born. Remember, ur wife is the companion for ur entire life n i think she will walk all the way with u wherever u go. Ask urself how many years u can perform ur obedient to ur parent as they r in their 'retiring age'. If u have the chance to bring up ur children, u also hope that they will always with u right. I know not all the parents are open-minded like my teacher who is 85 year old now but she nvr live with her children since they have their own family no matter how they persuade her to live with them cuz she doesnt want to disturb their life. So, u must know ur parent thinking. Happy Family should not have any Unhappy issue between all the family members. So TS, do ur part as a obedient son that ur mum wish and i think ur wife has choosen a right man who is good son and a good father soon.. Cheers..