Love and Marriage

[bui_da]

Just wanna know how ppl feel towards relationship. Marriage is so fragile nowadays that I find it so hard to believe in it.

 

In a relationship for 8 years, 3 years marriage. Spouse posted out to another country to work for 2 - 3 years. You are here in Spore waiting faithfully for him to come back. Never go to the places he don't like you to go. Never go out with guy frds unless there are gers around. Make it a point not to pillion guys or be the guy's pillion. Then one day you realise your spouse is having an affair. How would you react to this? He claims that he loves you still. Will you forgive him? Will you continue the marriage? Is divorce the right decision?

[devoted]

wow~

 

dun noe~ not married yet

 

hmmm~

if me ah~

i tin i will forgive him lor and continue the marriage lor~

i tin i will honor my marriage vows : for poorer or for richer, for sick and health lor~

 

actually hor~

my personal opinion is, not to married too early lor~

 

for guys they get mature quite late, or get sian easily de~

i tin if they get married around 30yrs old or 35yrs old like tat they tend to be more 'steady' when facing temptations lor~ (mayb ba~)

 

but have to admit, the temptations nowadays is reli reli reli huge and alot~

 

so do married ladies ah~

 

actually divorce nowadays very very expensive de~

plus have to deal wif all the financial committments or the shared-properties or debts or bills, very headache de~ if got kids, lagi worst lor~

 

Edited to say :

but hor such things, not only depend on me, one sided mah~

if he had already changed his heart liao, no matter how i persevere, how i forgive him also no use de mah~

i think he wld only feel more frustrated wif me instead lor~

then, if it is so, better to let him go lor~

[MsPetrucci]

Basically i dun believe in love in the 1st place(period). Had so much ups n downs and now i'm fully jaded by all dis crap.

 

i won't be forgiving towards my partner/spouse for being adulterous. IF we as a wife has dully being obligated during the marriage, why muz he go astray? It's nt fair that a guy can get away wif everything juz becos we forgive him. what if he does it again? Well dis is my honest opinion!

 

But if u feel u can still salvage ur marriage becos of the kids or love den maybe it's fair enuff to give him a 2nd chance. Seek counselling or spend more time together..will sumhow save the relationship.

 

Actually i shd nt be talking too much abt dis since i'm still young and nt even tinking of settling down. Juz my opinion and ideas dat i 1 2 share. It takes a lot of guts and effort to maintain a marriage. I dun tink i can handle such things. I'm a cynic wen it comes to trust and love.

 

Divorce...it can be a blessing in disguise or it may be bad but usually i see that it will benefit both partners in sum sense. No more heartache and freedom. The ex-spouse can go on a mistress-spree while we ex-wives can heck care abt their sexual activties. I believe that most women can be independent and we're strong enuff to live our lifes as per normal. Women-power!

[devoted]

Originally posted by MsPetrucci@Mar 3 2006, 09:42 PM

i won't be forgiving towards my partner/spouse for being adulterous.

IF we as a wife has dully being obligated during the marriage, why muz he go astray?

It's nt fair that a guy can get away wif everything juz becos we forgive him.

 

what if he does it again? Well dis is my honest opinion!

but wat if he reli repent and dun do it anymore?

and treat you even better (due to guilt)?

and cherish u and respect much more as u displayed your virtues and etc~

 

still give 2nd chance lah~ merciful abit~

 

of course if he takes u for granted or abuses your trust, then,

is another issue lor~

[xiaowang]

Yes it does. WHat u need is communication. Ask him what's his stand against you. Do u feel any honesty from it? Most of all, do u still love him? Is he honestly willing to repent?

[bui_da]

devoted - yes. the question is wat if. wat if u forgive him n he do it again. can you spend your life with someone u don't trust. Can u slp with him having in mind that he slpt with others (i mean aft marriage). Treating you better because of guilt is definately not ok for mi.

 

having an affair is taking you for granted and abusing ur trust. still can forgive?

 

not trying to direct at u...dun b offended okiee

[bui_da]

Originally posted by xiaowang@Mar 3 2006, 11:25 PM

Yes it does. WHat u need is communication. Ask him what's his stand against you. Do u feel any honesty from it? Most of all, do u still love him? Is he honestly willing to repent?

what reason is gd enough for him to do that? definately the love is still there..but how to judge whether is he honestly willing to repent when he just betray ur trust. sigh..

[xiaowang]

Don't worry I am not offended. Seriously I feel for you. I myself is worried at times about my partner too. But with love, comes with trust and faith in its foundation.

 

Yeah , trust is hard to establish again after this fiasco he has given you. He has to earn it back again. May be 1 year , 5 years or 10 years. But can u accept that yourself?

 

If I were u, I would request that he quit his job or u should fly over to be with him pernamently. Sometimes loneliness is a disease some can't face. Not making any excuses for him. However it's hard to have a long distance relationship. Luckily mine worked out but it too took many tears and efforts. And it's only for 1 year. Can't take it myself personally. However the ball is in your hands.

 

Marriage to me is sacared. Its vows are to be cherished and honoured. Incidents or accidents emotionally and physically either makes it stronger or weaker.

 

If u need a friend to talk to, find your good friends who understand and are not judgemental or let me know. DO cry out but do not suffer alone. Whoever says love is an easy commitment must be joking. It takes tears of joy and sadness. For one without neither, for what is love then.

[xiaowang]

Trust is earned over the years, not given. Once broken down, that affects the core basis of the relationship.

 

Relationships are not how much u can do or try, it's a 2 way street. U can try but if it is not recriporcated, it's useless.

 

Anyway let's try to be comforters for rosdnic. She's already feeling pain in her heart.

[devoted]

Originally posted by rosndic@Mar 3 2006, 11:40 PM

devoted - yes. the question is wat if. wat if u forgive him n he do it again. can you spend your life with someone u don't trust. Can u slp with him having in mind that he slpt with others (i mean aft marriage). Treating you better because of guilt is definately not ok for mi.

 

having an affair is taking you for granted and abusing ur trust. still can forgive?

 

not trying to direct at u...dun b offended okiee

har~

 

hmmm~

then got to see if me and him got any kids or not lor~

if we have, then mayb i will reli choose to close one eye lor~

 

actually hor, trust this word is reli very abstruct & very subjective to every one leh~

and see how determine or how committed i am to this marriage lor~

if i'm dead serious, then, i will reli choose to trust him again lor~

i know it is easy to say, to do is difficult~

 

but marriage is juz like relationships ah~

will go thru a period of 'dry seasons'~ during this period, ppl will get lost, frustrated, do wrong things and etc~

 

sigh~

 

and his attitude and response is very impt lor~

 

if he heck care heck care, bo hiew bo hiew, totally take me for granted and etc~

keep thinking i will forgive him.....

 

for my character,

when enough is reli enough, i tin i will reli quietly left and divorce him~

 

when i given him enough chances, forgive him enough and yet time over time he disappoint and abuses my trust and break my heart over and over again~

i wont cried, threaten him to commit suicide, stamp feet and go real emotional, or point fingers~

 

no matter how he cried, pled on his knees then~

i can be real heartless and real cold towards him~ not a tear will be shed~

 

Edited to say:

 

i know treating you better because of guilt is definately not ok for you.

but from my humble point of view,

 

when relationship had really went for a few long years, and the zeal or passion had died down, other than love, there is afew composition elements tat kept it alive ah~

 

e.g gratefulness, where he or she had been thru thick and thin, or had made so much sacrifice for you, or juz left some plaint responisbility, or even certain degree or level of guilt....

 

sometimes, in a relationship, it reli reli hard to classify or define so clearly : now you loving is because of wat~

 

*sigh*~

[devoted]

Originally posted by rosndic@Mar 3 2006, 11:47 PM

what reason is gd enough for him to do that? definately the love is still there..but how to judge whether is he honestly willing to repent when he just betray ur trust. sigh..

*sigh* ~

 

if the above scenario is reli is you~

all i could comfort is : i reli empathise wif you~

 

actually,

the fact is, nobody can gurantee themselves~

for me,

i will reli take it, at least, this present very moment, at this very seconds, he reli meant it~ or i can feel his sincerity or not~

 

in life, everything fluctuate ah~

ups and downs~

 

our emotions, our committments, our level of determinations and etc~

 

is very hard to judge if he will betray your trust again or not~

 

juz ask yourself truthfully (muz be very calm lah) when he confess, and he said he still love you then, will you forgive him, at that very moment, wat did you feel?

the sweet memories that both of you flashes back to you, in the midst of bitter anger and disappointment, is you yourself had to ponder if he reli deserved a 2nd chance~

 

if you think he reli deserved it, then try your best to stick to it~

 

bcos keep thinking on the unknown or so called worried abt it, will only make you for painful and tormenting~

 

if he will do it again, no matter how you think or worried, he still will ah~

 

if he wont, you like that suspicious and bitter, will only make you more emotional~

 

so therefore,

choose

for the path is reli yours and yours alone

[Mark C.]

I have not come to the end of my life just yet.

But i will try to make some 'private' time for my wife and me, have dinner outside though without candle light.

Less TV programme but talk rock on bed, 'rocks' even better.

But all in all, have a chance to update each other with whats going on day by day.

I believe you take her or him to be your life partner for a reason, my wife my best friend.

[EeYoRe_159]

Originally posted by MsPetrucci@Mar 3 2006, 09:42 PM

I believe that most women can be independent and we're strong enuff to live our lifes as per normal. Women-power!

[Aie]

I've been married for almost ten years. During the early stages of marriage, got lots of quarrels and jealousy on my wife's part. However, we always make up. I believe that marriage is forever. As long as my wife and I don't do anything stupid like have an affair or something like that, I believe that we will be together until death do us part...

[butterscotch]

no matter what other advises you is always based on 1 sided.. u gotta really decide whether you wan to live with it or not. because different ppl have different levels of "tolerance" some can choose to live with it n some dun.. forgive me if i m

 

my vote not cast i do not fall into any of your citeria... i do not believe that true love exist but i will not cheat on my partner.. cos i respect him n my kids.. if he does not think e same way.. i also cant help it..

 

to you.

[bui_da]

Yes. Definately had gone thru alot these years. Been together since I'm 18. There are times that I suspect him..but since I can't confirm it, I just give him the benefit of doubt. But now, the truth in infront of me, the affair is ard 6 mths already n is still on.

 

He was posted out few mths after we are married. I know long distance relationship is diff. But if you really love someone, no matter where you are, it is still possible. Lonelines is just a convenient excuse. I had told him before that if he did anything unfaithful to me, I will not forgive him. He noes that i mean my words. But he still did it.

 

Did not scold, raise my voice or shout at him when I confronted him. Too hurt to do all that. My heart had broken into pieces and went numb. Like it has stop beating. Frds tell me to give him another chance. But it's really so hard for me. Think I know what is my decision. I know I will be strong enough to move on.

 

---------

 

Based on the vote results, I can't believe that there are ppl who believe in love but will cheat on their partners. What is love if you cheat on your partner? How do this ppl define their 'love'? sigh..

[devoted]

Originally posted by rosndic@Mar 4 2006, 10:24 AM

Yes. Definately had gone thru alot these years. Been together since I'm 18. There are times that I suspect him..but since I can't confirm it, I just give him the benefit of doubt. But now, the truth in infront of me, the affair is ard 6 mths already n is still on.

 

He was posted out few mths after we are married. I know long distance relationship is diff. But if you really love someone, no matter where you are, it is still possible. Lonelines is just a convenient excuse. I had told him before that if he did anything unfaithful to me, I will not forgive him. He noes that i mean my words. But he still did it.

 

Did not scold, raise my voice or shout at him when I confronted him. Too hurt to do all that. My heart had broken into pieces and went numb. Like it has stop beating. Frds tell me to give him another chance. But it's really so hard for me. Think I know what is my decision. I know I will be strong enough to move on.

 

---------

 

Based on the vote results, I can't believe that there are ppl who believe in love but will cheat on their partners. What is love if you cheat on your partner? How do this ppl define their 'love'? sigh..

wow~ real life situation ah?

 

hmmm~

actually it reli depends on alot of things/factors~ very complex~

not long distance, loneliness or plaint determination~

 

moreover is guys~

as much as they desire for freedom, they fear loneliness too~

and they are guys mah~ physical body makeup reli different frm gals~

they reli love varieties~

 

sigh~

and,

it is not : he knows you mean your words but he still did it~

sometimes, when alot of factors so happen juz come so conincidentally, plus the gals got the criteria which attract him and they hit on lor~

 

hmmm~

and sincerely, your hubby is consider quite faithful already, so long wif you, some a few months can't tahan and will continously look for new gals~

 

i tin mayb initially will be fun lah~ real thrill and fresh and excitment (6mth only), later when his passion 'settled down' mayb he could see clearer?

no matter wat, 2 of you had been together for so long already~

 

let your anger, pain and etc 'settled down' 1st~

 

at this present moment,

dun be too impulsive and too sure of making any decision~

i understand all the internal emotional struggles, and the numbness & coldness of your painful heart~

but i oso sincerely believed :

the genuine love and the sincerity of one person could move the most stubborn & harden stone~ And bring so much comfort and strength to one~

 

remember,

u lived only once, treasure and cherish every opportunity~

dun lived in regrets~

 

my sincere blessings to you~

[devoted]

oops~

 

4got to add~

 

for those who claim they still love their spouses but will still cheat (if opportunity arises)

 

-> i tin as wat i say above lor, mayb human beings (not only guys) reli love variety and had boring and routine stuff~

like for some, everyday eat the same stall, same food they can't tahan one lor~ is the preference, mindset of different ppl lor~

 

if let's change the situation,

if you happen to meet one wonderful guy, who reli seems like your soulmate.

He is sensitive, understanding, caring, loving towards you and handsome.... and seems like both of you fated, keep on accidentally or conincidentally meet up wif each other, you also will abit tempted rite?

 

*sigh*~

such things reli reli not juz few words can explain or define or come to a judgement or conclusion, it reli depends on each individual~

[StaN]

I'm married for abt 18yrs n still going strong, well true love surely, there is no doubt abt it...

 

cheating either on hubby or wife is a NoNo... (espcially if ur partner dun cheats on u)

 

loneliness dun gives u the excuse to screw ard n den come back to ur side n says i still love u n expected to be forgiven n accepted (it will definately happens again coz he/she has gotten away with it b4)

 

it's not a man's thingy that he has to screw ard. It's more of discipline of the mindn self control... cannot control there is something call DIY..

 

love varieties? that means every women out the will be in dangerous(one man screwing many b4 settling down or after settling down)and women r expected to be faithful as in rosndic's case(she cannot do this n that whle he can, n was suspected of hanky panky even b4 marridge)

 

real thrills,fresh n excitment

 

i am a guy but i do not condone such behavious frm a guy.. he has no respect for women..

 

what if it's been done to his sis? he most probably will be on a warpath... will he 4gives as easily?

 

 

To: rosndic.

just my POV n IMHO.. read my posting n think hard abt it n make ur own decision..

 

ur own future is in ur own hands n it means the rest of ur life...

 

wun give u any advise coz i may not be correct ...

[StaN]

I'm married for abt 18yrs n still going strong, well true love surely, there is no doubt abt it...

 

cheating either on hubby or wife is a NoNo... (espcially if ur partner dun cheats on u)

 

loneliness dun gives u the excuse to screw ard n den come back to ur side n says i still love u n expected to be forgiven n accepted (it will definately happens again coz he/she has gotten away with it b4)

 

it's not a man's thingy that he has to screw ard. It's more of discipline of the mindn self control... cannot control there is something call DIY..

 

love varieties? that means every women out the will be in dangerous(one man screwing many b4 settling down or after settling down)and women r expected to be faithful as in rosndic's case(she cannot do this n that whle he can, n was suspected of hanky panky even b4 marridge)

 

real thrills,fresh n excitment

 

i am a guy but i do not condone such behavious frm a guy.. he has no respect for women..

 

what if it's been done to his sis? he most probably will be on a warpath... will he 4gives as easily?

 

 

To: rosndic.

just my POV n IMHO.. read my posting n think hard abt it n make ur own decision..

 

ur own future is in ur own hands n it means the rest of ur life...

 

wun give u any advise coz i may not be correct ...

[devoted]

uncle haya~ very man~

 

:clap:

 

 

-------------

sigh~

but hor~

sometimes it is reli reli very hard to say~

 

(juz to clarify my stand : morally, i myself strongly against affairs too, and i wont allow myself to be a 3rd party too in a relationship too, i am juz tried to explain frm another angle/viewpoint. how could i be so sure? bcos i've been tested on this and passed the tests~ )

 

youngsters nowadays seldom tin or act like your generation already~

self discipline and self ctrl and responsibility and committment is a 'hated' word to many of us~

we wanted freedom, do things watever we liked de~

 

wat if, rosndic's hubby is reli in a moment of folly/blindness?

in a stage of weakness he yielded to it?

 

(other than sexual needs) when everything don't go smoothly for him, or life comes to such standstill in his career, being a foreigner in a strange land, the outcast rejection, feeling of not being appreciated & defeated or misunderstood, when the expectations and demands are harsh and find hard to meet them~

 

when reli weary and fed up wif issues around him and doubtful of his existance (to his company/family) and he dun want to share so much as fear to burden his wife here at sg....

 

so little by little he bottled it up, till a stage,

and there comes this lady who seems to be able to comfort him~ and this lady herself is not strong/determine/discipline enough or at her vulnerable stage, and there they hit on~ sigh~

 

i tin sometimes in life, my personal point of view, rosndic, mayb can try to give him another chance lor~

 

I encouraging people to patch back in peace~

(but still sincerely respect your decision)

 

to uncle haya~

sincerely,

i believed other than you put in so much efforts, you do have a good and dutiful and understanding wife~

else,

without her, 2 of you wont be able to travel this far~

it always takes 2 hands to clap~

 

sincerely~

Cheers for your many wonderful years to come!!!

[Aie]

A man is only as good as his self control or word. I hate to admit this but I love to be in the company of women. I love to joke around and I am very sociable. However, I have never gone beyond any line. I know where the boundaries are. My mrs is jealous cos of my outgoing nature. I've always made it clear to my girl friends that I am happily married and I have found my one and only love in my wife. Nonetheless, my mrs always use this line on me, "I trust you. It is your girl friends that I don't trust." When she said this, I'm at loss for words...

I only cheat on my wife when it comes to my bike. I love my bike too as I ride her more often than I ride my wife...

[devoted]

Originally posted by Aie@Mar 4 2006, 05:18 PM

Nonetheless, my mrs always use this line on me, "I trust you. It is your girl friends that I don't trust." When she said this, I'm at loss for words...

LOLx~ u and your wife so cute~

well~

uncle Aie, good for you lor~

that means you still very charming and very very attractive in her eyes~

 

LOLx~

for me, i like hanging around wif older guys friend too~ they more mature and understanding~

 

but i am sensible lah, kept set my boundaries upright oso~

know where is my limits~

joke joke, tease tease sure lah no problem~ hahaha~ lolx

 

but i reli honor & respect them as my older brothers~

 

but one thing,

i reli sincerely wish to respect them tat are guys wif brains and wif dignity,

not juz buaya who simply react to hormones lar~

 

well of course, they got to proved themselves 1st lar~

[13randon]

for me i will give chance if i love her. But let her now clearly. If there is a 2nd time dats it byebye. Since he/ her dont cherish it.

[butterscotch]

i think right now is u need some time to calm down n only make ur decision in a clear mind.. watever decision u make will be for e rest of ur life..

 

do u think its better to move on or give him a chance if he show repentant.. r u prepare to forgive him n not to mention the affair again??

 

some pp