DVD MOVIE REVIEWS...

[Aie]

The trend in the Hollywood movie industry now it seems, is to adapt comics or videogames into movies. We have the 'X-Men' trilogy and the 'Batman' movie installments from the comics genre and 'Resident Evil' and 'Silent Hill' from the videogames genre. These are but a few of the movies from both genres out there.

 

Now, 'Hitman' from videogame developer, Eidos, has made it to the big screen. I do not know why when I saw Timothy Olyphant play the hitman, he reminds me of a cross between Wentworth Miller (Michael Scofield from 'Prison Break') and Arnold Vosloo (Imhotep from 'The Mummy').

 

The plot revolves around Agent 47, a hired assassin, trained from young by The Agency. Apparently, these assassins are distinguisable by their sleek designer black suits and their bald, barcoded heads. Similar in the theme of betrayal by their organizations as in the 'Bourne' trilogy, Agent 47 has to survive and find out why he was made a scapegoat in the assassination of the Russian president. There is an irony and a twist to this part of the movie but I am not going to divulge that.

 

Accompanied by a Russian whore (hostage turned ally), Agent 47 has to fight off assassins from his own organization that are sent to prevent him from learning the truth (carbon copies of himself actually as they are all skinheads with the same barcoded heads and wearing the same black suits). It is rather perplexing to me that these assassins actually adhere to a silent code of 'bushido' by trying to eliminate each other with samurai swords instead of the good old fashion machine gun way.

 

The execution of the sword fighting scenes are poetry in motion and a joy to watch. All in all, 'Hitman' is a decent videogame to movie adaptation that is best enjoyed by the fans of the videogame itself. As for the non-players like myself, it sure made me want to check out and play the videogame...

[tt6389]

i wonder if its ethical to review movies watched online. Had just finished watching high definition movie "I am Legend" on a website . Pretty impressed with the special effect.

[Aie]

A group of friends are celebrating at a Mardi Gras festival in New Orleans. One of them, Ben, suddenly feels the need to be alone to mourn the breakup with his girlfriend. Feeling somewhat melancholic, he went for a 'Haunted Swamp Tour' with one of his friends, Marcus, and a whole boatful of other strangers. Little did they know that the legend of Victor Crowley, a deformed young man, burnt in a fire at the swamp years ago is actually true. He has risen again and out to massacre them, one after the other.

 

This slasher flick is the quintessential B grade horror movie. There are the two bimbos who are together with a supposedly movie director, a beautiful, mysterious woman, full of angst and has her own agenda for joining the tour and a few others. If you are a true blue fan of horror B grade movies, it is redundant for me to elaborate further on this movie.

 

The formula used in this one is a been there, done that approach. Corny lines, exaggerated acting and unrealistic gory scenes are but a few traits found in 'Hatchet'. One saving grace though to me, is the Chinese tour guide, Shawn (played by Parry Shen) who speaks with a Southern drawl, only to burst out into Chinese in a typical Chinese accent whenever he got exasperated or stressed out. That character brought out the most laughter in me.

 

If you are into B grade horror slasher flicks then this movie is for you. Otherwise, give it a miss so as not to waste an hour and a half of your life away...

[shorty]

which website did u go to watch de movie?...i want!PM me if not convenient to post here.

[Aie]

which website did u go to watch de movie?...i want!PM me if not convenient to post here.

i used to watch streaming movies at http://www.movie6.net/

but not anymore cos my comp become too lagging...guess its time to upgrade my comp...

As contributed by bro Luqman86 in his previous post in this thread...

[tt6389]

which website did u go to watch de movie?...i want!PM me if not convenient to post here.

 

ya, besides movie6.net, also got

http://www.crunchyroll.com/

, http://davidmovie.com/2006-2007/ & http://www.veoh.com.

Quality sometimes in high definition, sometimes lower. Must search in all 3 to get best definition.

I hv switched from starhub 1mbps to singtel 512kbs 6months ago. I notice the online movies previously jerky now became very smooth, coz singtel line is dedicated to single household only. So it was not PC slow previously.

[Aie]

Imagine a world where you are the only living human left. Definitely in wanting to salvage your sanity, you will improvise by substituting a person with an inanimate object for interaction. Never mind that it will only be a one sided conversation. Tom Hanks did just that with a volleyball in 'Cast Away and now, Will Smith, with mannequins in the post apocalypse movie, 'I Am Legend'.

 

Here, we gain the insight of how a man, devoid of human interaction, spends his time. Come to think of it, the audience are somewhat akin to voyeurs as we observe Lt. Col. Robert Neville's (Will Smith) daily routine. Considering that the human race was wiped out by a virus, of course, this movie will be incomplete without the flesh eating zombies that mutated from humans as a result of being infected by the virus.

 

Robert, being a medical doctor, is trying to find a cure to reverse the mutation. The zombies here look malnourished. Not your usual bloodied, open infested wounds kind of zombies. Suspenseful moments are plenty in this movie as the zombies try hard to get to him while he tries his damndest to survive.

 

True to what I anticipated when I first heard of this movie, it is indeed a cross between 'Cast Away' and 'Resident Evil'. A tried and tested formula with a storyline that is nothing out of the ordinary. The pull factor here though is the star attraction of Will Smith. His movies never fail to draw in the audience. A watchable movie for those fans of Will Smith. As for me, I'm waiting with anticipation for his next movie, Hancock...

[Aie]

My favourite vampire movies are 'The Lost Boys', 'Salem's Lot' and the 'Blade' trilogy. I like 'The Lost Boys' for its dark, juvenile humour, 'Salem's Lot' for its chilling and eerie setting and the 'Blade' trilogy for its fast-paced, martial arts action. '30 Days Of Night' is another vampire movie joining the growing list of such movies.

 

The story takes place in a remote town in Alaska where every once a year, the town will undergo 30 days of winter nights. The local sheriff (played by Josh Harnett) would usually have a cold, quiet time enforcing the law as most of the townfolks go to spend the winter in the city. However, this time he has a lot on his hands as a clique of vampires descended into town to quench their thirst with the remaining townfolks.

 

The suspense builds up slowly in this movie as a cat and mouse game is played between both the preys and the predators. Apparently, vampirism is like a virus that is transmitted through blood. Once bitten, unless the victim's head is decapitated (blown off to smithereens with a shotgun or have the face smashed in, work just as well), the victim will rise from the dead as the undead.

 

This movie never does explain where the vampires originate from. They just appear from nowhere and begin their ravenous rampage. It is a nice touch that the vampires speak a foreign language that is unfamiliar to me. It adds on to the sense of the unknown and mystery surrounding these creatures.

 

The blood and gore factors in this movie is excellent that you may just cringe at the violent and bloody scenes. Even the ending to me, is a classy, emotional touch that shows that if the core of a person is goodness, ultimately, no evil will be able to taint it. Definitely a movie worth watching as it is a better than above average vampire movie...

[Aie]

It seems that it is the norm (if judging by the spate of movies like 'The Hills Have Eyes', 'Timberfalls' and 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' to name a few) to be attacked and violently killed whenever you are lost, stranded or suffering from a vehicle breakdown in the wilderness. Though the initial introduction scene is just that, the formula later deviated a little in 'Wrong Turn 2'. Instead, the storyline is somewhat similar to the movie, 'The Condemned', with cannibalistic inbred freaks thrown into the mix.

 

A television network is shooting a 'reality' survival TV show called 'Apocalypse' in the wilderness. Little did the contestants know that the survival aspect of the game would become literally real in every sense of the word when a family of grotesque looking inbreds starts killing them one by one in the worst possible ways.

 

The massacre in this movie is filled with gratuitous blood and gore as the freaks slash, slice, dice and mince their victims after selecting body parts to be eaten and disposing off the rest. Simply revolting and stomach churning.

 

There is nothing really new to the plot and concept of this movie. The storyline is rather predictable and the very last ending scene, after all has transpired, is as cliche as ever. Nevertheless, do watch it anyway if maniacal, murderous, cannibalistic blood and gore violence is your cup of tea...

[Aie]

When John Travolta was introduced to the world as Danny Zuko in the movie 'Grease', I did not think that he would be the accomplished actor that he is today. Instead of disappearing into oblivion like most of his counterparts in that movie, he went on to act in acclaimed movies like 'Pulp Fiction', 'Michael' and ''Swordfish'.

 

However, there is a movie which he acted in that is simply great to me and that is the 1996 movie, 'Phenomenon'. 'Phenomenon' tells the story of George Malley who is a well-liked, simple mechanic in a small town. One night on his 37th birthday, bright lights from the sky appeared and knocked him off his feet.

 

Suddenly, he turns into an overnight genius who is capable of learning conversational Portuguese within half an hour from a self-taught book. He is now able to unscramble military codes that got the authorities antsy and the best of all, George has now developed telekinetic powers, moving things with the power of his mind. Naturally, his newfound abilities confound the townfolks who begin treating him differently.

 

I just love this movie for its simple yet sincere, heartfelt approach towards human relationships. How in moments of needful, emotional support and confusion, you tend to find out who your real friends are. How being ignorant, people tend to assume that strange extra-terrestrial powers are at work before a scientific explanation is presented.

 

'Phenomenon' really tugs at my heartstrings as it explores the human spirit, what it means to be human, its vulnerabilities and the realization of what are the things that really matter in life. For all you romantics out there, this movie is also for you. The courtship between George and his ladylove is simply pure, sincere and sweet. Guys could learn a thing or two on how to clinch their ladylove from watching this movie. A definite must have DVD in my opinion, not for being laden with special effects but for its great storyline and heartwarming scenes. In short, a simply brilliant movie that should have garnered John Travolta an Oscar nomination as his acting here is truly phenomenal...

[Aie]

When I saw that the movie 'Rambo' is distributed by Lionsgate, I was certain that the movie would be in a class of its own when compared to it's three predecessors. Why? If you have seen the kind of movies released by Lionsgate, you will know what I mean.

 

The story continues with Rambo now making a living catching snakes for the local snake fighting arena in a remote village near the Myanmar border. Along comes a group of Christian missionaries whose leader requests that he transport them to Myanmar's warzone via the river in his boat. Naturally, Rambo refuses at first as the humanitarian effort that they are embarking on to help the people in the war torn country, to him, is a lost cause. Sarah Miller, a woman in the group, does managed to convince him to transport them finally. Well, to cut a story short, since the storyline is predictable, Rambo has to infiltrate the Myanmar military camp with a group of mercenaries to save the captured missionaries.

 

There is no great plot in this movie as the storyline is very straightforward. What it has though is great graphic lifelike action that depicts the consequences that occur should you be shot with a heavy artillery GPMG or blown up for stepping on a landmine. Where in 'Rambo : First Blood' until 'Rambo 3', bodies just fall with bloodstained wounds when shot, 'Rambo' depicts bodies splattering into chunks of bloodied meat as bullets continue spraying ferociously. Ditto for bodies that blow up as a result of stepping onto landmines. Decapitated heads flying off with blood gushing out from the neck stump and disembowelment as Rambo's survival knife cuts across his enemie's guts are some of the graphic scenes presented.

 

If you were awed with the war depiction in 'Saving Private Ryan', well that movie is like a walk in the park when compared to 'Rambo'. There is no setting up of tactical booby traps like in 'First Blood' or the showing off of Rambo's rippling sinewed muscles like in 'Rambo 3' (Stallone looks huge but bloated maybe due to too much human growth hormones) but just plain cold blooded killings with machine guns, machete, bow and arrows and survival knife mayhem.

 

To top it all off, Rambo's quotes are simply gems. The hairs at the back of my neck rose when he spouted, "War is in your blood. When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing" and "Live for nothing. Or die for something. Your call." Simply awesome! I bet when David Morell wrote 'First Blood', he did not expect his novel to spawn four 'Rambo' movies. Watch this movie if you are a fan of the 'Rambo' trilogy. Even if you are not, this movie is still a great watch...

[Aie]

If you had watched the movie, 'Bruce Almighty', youshould know who Evan is. He is the newscaster who Bruce made into a blabbering idiot with his almighty powers as a means of sabotage to deprive Evan of a promotion. Well, in this spin-off of that movie, Evan is now decreed by God himself to build an ark and to save two animals of every species in anticipation of a great flood.

 

With his new job as a senator, the decree could not have come at a worse time. Suddenly, his life turns topsy-turvy as he undergoes a transformation of biblical proportions. Animals come to him like bees to honey, his bushy beard keeps growing no matter how many times he shaves and he is required to build an great, huge ark.

 

Due to his new mission, his job as a senator has to take a backseat while his relationship with his wife goes through a rut. The prophesy of a great flood does come true though the source of it is not quite as expected.

 

If you like 'Bruce Almighty', you should like 'Evan Almighty'. Where Bruce is bequeth with God's almighty power, Evan is given the powers of a prophet. It is interesting to see how religion is infused to expose a political agenda in this movie. This movie is best watched with the family as the theme of family cohesion is also integrated into the plot. An apt movie that shows the perfect example of how 'Man proposes but God disposes'...

[FOXY]

for chinese movie can try http://www.youku.com

 

cheers

[Aie]

I read a movie review on 'Never Back Down' and I can understand why the reviewer compared it to 'The Karate Kid'. Besides sharing a somewhat similar plot, the lead actor, Sean Faris (who plays Jake Tyler), looks like a beefed up Ralph Macchio (the lead actor in the 'Karate Kid' trilogy). The antagonist, Ryan McCarthy (played by Can Gigandet) on the other hand, reminds me of a teenage version of actor Paul Walker of 'The Fast And The Furious' fame.

 

The storyline is straightforward enough. Hero with anger management issues over his father's death (he blames himself for it), moves to a new school. Hero got his butt kicked by the 'Beatdown' (an underground no holds barred fight event) champion who wants to prove a point after a clip of hero brawling at a football game made it to the internet.

 

Beaten, hero learns MMA (Mixed Martial Arts, previously he just did boxing) from a combat gym shifu who has unresolved issues of his own (coincidentally, both related to paternal issues). Both hero and the bad guy have a final showdown in a parking lot and needless to say, it's a no brainer on who wins.

 

Considering that the actors in this movie are relatively unknowns, they do manage to carry off their roles convincingly enough. The fight scenes though nothing great, are decent enough to catch my attention. Cliche technique of flashbacks when hero is on the verge losing before getting a second wind seems to be the norm in such martial arts movies and this one is no exception. Technology plays a huge part in this movie as a means of distribution where the fights are recorded, passed around via bluetooth or downloaded through handphones and even uploaded on youtube.

 

Since I have no high expectations before watching this movie, I was not disappointed when it ended. In fact, I feel that it is a tad better than expected. Do watch it if you are a fan of 'The Karate Kid' or 'The Fight Club' movies...

[Aie]

Watching 'Chocolate' is somewhat akin to watching a Tamil movie where the hero, against all odds, is capable of beating tens of hoodlums by himself. However, the similarity ends there. Where the Tamil hero's fighting scenes look supposedly stylish to the point of being ridiculous, the heroine's fight scenes in the movie 'Chocolate' are fast, furious and as real as it gets.

 

'Chocolate' revolves around the story of an autistic girl, Zen (played by newcomer muay thai sensation, Jeeja) who is capable of memorizing and copying muay thai fighting moves (remember 'Rain Man' where Dustin Hoffman's character can count and remember poker cards? Well, same principle here except she fights) from the movies she watches. What great muay thai movie did she watch? None other than 'Ong Bak' where Tony Jaa made a cameo appearance through the television.

 

Tragically, Zen's mother is diagnosed with cancer. After discovering her mother's diary with amounts loaned to business bosses, together with her best friend, they went to collect the debts from those bosses. Not surprising at all that these hooligan bosses refuse to pay back, thinking that a girl and a fat boy would pose no threat and thus they can afford to default on the payment. Boy, were they wrong.

 

Zen fights off the bosses henchmen single-handedly and I must say that the fight scenes are simply poetry in motion. Jeeja is indeed the female version of Tony Jaa. Other than that, if copying is the highest form of flattery, then the director is paying tribute to our other action star, Jackie Chan as well, as Jackie's signature fight scenes where he makes use of the objects around him are applied by Zen in the fight scenes of this movie. Even the clips of the mishaps and injuries that happened whilst shooting the fight scenes are shown at the end of the movie before the credits roll. This as we know, is a classic Jackie Chan signature.

 

It is pure pleasure to watch Zen kick the villains' asses. Fluid, hardcore kicks and punches that are convincingly real only because those are real. It is refreshing to see a female action star kicking asses as good as her male counterparts. Definitely one of the best muay thai action movies this year. The action more than makes up for the so-so storyline. Watch it if you are a fan of fast paced, martial arts movie...

[Demon]

for chinese movie can try http://www.youku.com

 

cheers

 

You can watch movies, no registration, at http://www.watch-movies.net. Some are linked to "youku" sites.

 

To all cinema operators, don't you dare to increase the ticket price indiscriminately, you could be out of business soon

 

[Aie]

I noticed that there are a lot of Indonesian horror movies on VCDs whenever I visit the video shops. One VCD movie costs $10. Since I'm a fan of the horror genre, I did think of getting the movies and keeping a collection. However if I did buy those, I would have spent hundreds of dollars as there are simply too many horror movies.

 

Instead, I checked the movie titles on youtube and lo and behold! The movies are available online and can be watched for free. So far I have watched

, 'Sundelbolong', 'Pulau Hantu' and am currently watching 'Lawang Sewu'. Upz for youtube...

[jB]

ah thats good to hear but if only there were much better quality vids on Youtube like Crunchyroll.com whereby we can opt for the High Def quality

[Aie]

ah thats good to hear but if only there were much better quality vids on Youtube like Crunchyroll.com whereby we can opt for the High Def quality

I'm just happy that I can get to see the movies for free. As long as the quality is watchable, I've got no complaints...

[Aie]

No movie review contributions from the rest???

[Aie]

What do you call a night when everything that you've planned nicely for a proposal, just go wrong? On top of that, you've got three maniacal killers with painted sacks over their heads, stalking you with diabolical intent. A jinxed, God made sport of you kind of night, I'd say.

 

The movie 'The Strangers' manages to deliver the screams (based on the bootleg video version recorded at the cinema that I had seen) and chills. There are not many shock tactics delivered via sudden shrill or loud unexpected sounds. Instead, an eerie atmosphere is created where the killers could be seen (only by the audience), lurking quietly in the background.

 

In short, this movie employs the cat and mouse game premise where in the climatic end, the killers pounce and deliver one of the most warped reason for doing what they did, 'Because you were home'. Seeing how the killers seem to be one step ahead and get the better of the victims in every situation, you kind of know how the movie will ultimately end.

 

This movie is not your typical, slasher, blood and gore horror flick. All in all, a rather decent, suspenseful horror movie. Nonetheless, I didn't quite like the ending as it is too abrupt and left somewhat hanging. Well, I suppose the director and producer purposely did so to make way for a sequel. After all, nothing rakes in the moolah than movies that are inspired by true life events as claimed by this movie...

[ahbeno3]

Anybody interested in buying 2nd hand dvds? Have a few here : http://www.singaporebikes.com/forums/showthread.php?t=219699

[DeusExMachina]

Now, how many of us have seen the latest summer blockbuster TF:ROTF?

 

I know I saw it within a week of it opening. The special effects and fight scenes were way above the first movie. Good stuff.

 

 

But......

 

 

yes, there is always a but....

 

 

***SPOILER ALERT***

Get the hell out of this thread if you haven't seen the movie and intend to.

 

 

The storyline sucked donkey balls big time.

WTF is with the scriptwriters, man?

 

In the beginning, the Allspark was supposed to be the end-all fuuck-all of the TF universe. The ultimate source of power. The stuff that the TFs were fighting over.

 

And all of the sudden, it becomes a second rate plot device in ROTF?? There were so many big bloody holes in the plot that an aircraft carrier could have driven through each of them.

 

 

Is it just me or is this the crappiest storyline ever to bring in the big big bucks?

 

OK fair enough, the special effects, battles and robots kicked major ass. But still....

 

[DeusExMachina]

Without further ado, here's a TF:ROTF FAQ taken from the Topless Robot site.

 

-------------------------------------------------

It dawned on me at about 4am last night when I was finishing my review that 2500 words might not be enough to fully describe the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen experience. Additionally, I really didn't get much into the plot, as I was so busy explaining why it was a fundamentally sh1tty movie. So I took a little time to interview myself about the movie's story in order to help you understand what

 

RotF is all about. Hope it helps!

 

Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?

I have no fuucking clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.

 

What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?

The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.

 

What?

Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.

 

 

Why is the U.S. military helping them?

Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly sh1tty at their job.

 

How does the U.S. military help them?

Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.

 

Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?

Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.

 

How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?

Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.

 

So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?

Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

 

What?

That's what they said.

 

But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.

Yes.

 

...and now it can also bring him back to life.

It's very powerful, this Allspark.

 

Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?

They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.

 

Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?

Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.

 

Well, then why do they give a sh1t about Sam?

The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.

 

They weren't in the other shard?

Apparently not.

 

So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?

Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.

 

Wait.

Waiting.

 

There's a slutty Decepticon?

Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--

 

Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?

Yes.

 

So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?

Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.

 

How so?

Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.

 

It sounds preposterous.

Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!

 

Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone.

...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil! He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.

 

Now you're just making sh1t up as you go along, aren't you?

Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble.

 

Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.

 

That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?

No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!

 

Really? What is that?

No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam.

 

Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.

 

Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?

I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.

 

Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus?

Yes. He could.

 

...

...

 

Well?

He doesn't.

 

Why not?

I'm not sure exactly.

 

Then what the hell does he do?

He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.

 

Which Autobot does the translating?

Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.

 

What. The fuuck.

Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.

 

And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?

Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.

 

Where the hell are the other Autobots?

I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution here.

 

 

So Turturro translates the symbols.

No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.

 

What good is he dead?!

Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!

 

Not Optimus?

No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.

 

You have to fuucking be kidding me.

Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the missing Autobots --

 

Wait, what? Teleports?

Yes, teleports.

 

Transformers don't teleport.

Jetfire does.

 

But -- wait a second, he's a fuucking jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!

Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life.

 

Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said fuuck it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the sh1t out of him although he escaped.

 

Okay...

So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain? It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon.

 

Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?

Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.

 

I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.

I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the Goddamn Sun."

 

If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't that cool?

 

...

...

 

No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy!

Second of all, what the fuuck does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?

Uh...

 

And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no fuucking reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.

...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.

 

Grr.

What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's corpse.

 

Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be there in a minute or two.

They don't do that.

 

What?

They walk.

 

Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam.

Yes. Exactly.

 

I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right?

Pretty close. Sam dies, though.

 

Really?

Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.

 

Fuuck you.

I'm serious.

 

Fuuck you. There's no way.

It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.

 

I may be ill.

Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.

 

Anything else you want to add?

Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.

 

Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?

I can't answer every question, man.

 

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Edited July 2, 2009 by DeusExMachina

[DeusExMachina]

BONUS ROUND!

-----------------

 

So it's not as bad as sh1tting your pants?

Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.

 

Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?

I don't have the faintest clue.

 

Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Bumblebee to play when Sam says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?

No. No there couldn't.

 

Why can't Bumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?

Because Bumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living fuuck out of a Decepticon later.

 

Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?

Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.

 

A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?

Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.

 

That doesn't sound "written in" at all.

Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."

 

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?

Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

 

What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why the fuuck does he stay for the entirety of the movie?

I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves.

 

He technically leads the Beef to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all extraneous.

 

Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make sh1t fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?

Because... because FUUUUCK YOU, that's why.

 

Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?

Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

 

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?

When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron.

 

5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than

one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a fuuck.

 

"Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about sh1t blowing up, man."

 

Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?

"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

 

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