Bike jokes!

[Veil]

During the early 80's, my late dad used to pillion me on his old yamaha. Tats when bike fascinates me. Being a curious kid, i always ask him wats the name for tis part, tat part, wat it does, y muz it b there, y can't it b elsewhere...

 

I remembered one particular answer he gave me when i asked abt the fuel gauge. He said, "Boy ah, see tat needle at the "E" means tat inside got enough oil but very near to the "F" means the oil want to finish liao." Then he smiled to himself...

 

I only realised the stupid joke(embarrassingly) in Sec 1! It seems tat my old man actually "snooked" me all these yrs!

 

Are there any similar bike jokes around? Care to share?

[Silent Hunter]

Blonded girl walking into a motorshop and ask for a "710 cover".

 

The mechanic looked totally blur and said he never heard of such a thing.

The blonde girl insisted that there was such a cap screwed on next to the the radiator water cap.

After some arguement the mechanic, the young lady shouted "Hey! that's the cap right there on the engine you are repairing!"

 

Turns out the "710" cover = "OIL" cap turned upside down.....

[Veil]

Lau Ah Beng: Nin bei last time buona vista 99 wan kup corner si bei zai one ah! Ji ba km/h swee swee loh bo boon tey! A sai kup si bei low ah! Low until nin bei rims bua the tuo ka! Sat bo!

 

Young Ah Beng: Uncle... Tats so old school liao...

 

Lau Ah Beng: Si mi old school?! Li gong nin bei lau ah?! C*** C*** B***! Si gin na u! Bo dua bo suay!

 

Young Ah Beng: Really wat uncle... Now the trend different from your time liao... Now we kup corners, our helmet must bua the floor instead...

 

Lau Ah Beng: Wah! Helmet bua tuo ka ah!? An ni low ah?! Chao chao ai kup 180km/h! 99 wan oso ah?

 

Young Ah Beng: Bo lah... 10km/h.... Multi storey carpark...

 

Lau Ah Beng: >.

[Audacity]

Blonded girl walking into a motorshop and ask for a "710 cover".

 

The mechanic looked totally blur and said he never heard of such a thing.

The blonde girl insisted that there was such a cap screwed on next to the the radiator water cap.

After some arguement the mechanic, the young lady shouted "Hey! that's the cap right there on the engine you are repairing!"

 

 

 

Turns out the "710" cover = "OIL" cap turned upside down.....

 

This was good. Very unexpected answer, Was thinking it was the mech's cap or something.

[jacob12]

Blonded girl walking into a motorshop and ask for a "710 cover".

 

The mechanic looked totally blur and said he never heard of such a thing.

The blonde girl insisted that there was such a cap screwed on next to the the radiator water cap.

After some arguement the mechanic, the young lady shouted "Hey! that's the cap right there on the engine you are repairing!"

 

Turns out the "710" cover = "OIL" cap turned upside down.....

 

wah that's a nice one..i didnt expect that too..

[DeusExMachina]

Saw this somewhere on the internet.

 

 

What's the difference between a Harley and a Vacuum Cleaner?

 

Actually, they have something in common at least. They both suck.

But there is a difference! You only get one dirt bag on a vacuum cleaner.

 

:P

[antartica]

Ctrl C & V from some websites

 

 

 

You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

 

On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

 

 

The rabbit biker

 

• Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.

 

Watch the signs

 

• A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"

• And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"

• The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."

• Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.

• "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"

• "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

 

Stopped for speeding

 

• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

An Old man on a moped

 

• A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him 500,000 EURO. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

• The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 EURO.

• "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

• "Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

• The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?

• "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

• The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

 

Wearing your jacket back wards !

 

• Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

 

A little old lady wants to join a local biker club !

 

• A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

• She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

• The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

• The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"

• The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

• The biker asks: "Do you drink?"

• The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

• The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"

• The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."

• Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

• The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

 

Gynecologist..... a motorcycle mechanic?

 

• A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

 

Thirsty work

 

• A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"

 

Motorcycle wisdom of the road

 

• Midnight bugs taste best.

• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.

• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.

• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.

• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.

• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.

• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.

• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.

• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.

• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.

• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.

• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.

• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.

• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.

• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.

• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.

• Practice wrenching on your own bike.

• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit

• Maintenance is as much art as it is science.

• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.

• Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck

• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.

• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.

• Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.

 

Why Motorcycles are better than women

 

• Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.

• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.

• You can choke your motorcycle.

• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.

• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.

• Motorcycles don't snore.

• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.

• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.

• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.

• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.

• Motorcycles don't have parents.

• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

• Motorcycles last longer.

• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

• Motorcycles' curves never sag.

• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.

• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.

• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

• You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals.

• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.

• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.

• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

• Your Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out.

• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.

• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.

• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.

• Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.

• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.

• Unlike women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.

 

Motorcycle tool-guide

 

• Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.

• Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.

• Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"

• Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.

• Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

• Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

• Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

• Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.

• Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

• Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters.

• Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. • Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

• E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

• Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.

• Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

• Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. • Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

• Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

• Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.

• Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

• Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

 

Q: What's the cheapest thing on a BMW Motorcycle?

A: The rider

 

Q: How can you tell that a BMW rider and his passenger are having an affair?

A: Their jackets don't match yet!

 

Q:I asked my Harley friend how exactly do "loud pipes save lives"

A:His answer was "I'm sorry, what did you say"?

Edited February 16, 2011 by antartica

[haoKR]

Blonded girl walking into a motorshop and ask for a "710 cover".

 

The mechanic looked totally blur and said he never heard of such a thing.

The blonde girl insisted that there was such a cap screwed on next to the the radiator water cap.

After some arguement the mechanic, the young lady shouted "Hey! that's the cap right there on the engine you are repairing!"

 

Turns out the "710" cover = "OIL" cap turned upside down.....

 

yeah,n1

i tot it was motul 710 ...

haha haha

[swiftee]

yeah,n1

i tot it was motul 710 ...

haha haha

 

mech shld give her the lid of 710 bottle

[Seastorm]

Good one! I agree?

[haoKR]

mech shld give her the lid of 710 bottle

 

toking abt 710..

bought 1 2weeks ago. e bottle lyk cool sia..

 

pull out e cap 1st,dan open

theres a 'extension' tube inside tt u can pull out dan use.lol

[alfahd]

lol.......lmao.......

[JackOHJack]

Blonded girl walking into a motorshop and ask for a "710 cover".

 

The mechanic looked totally blur and said he never heard of such a thing.

The blonde girl insisted that there was such a cap screwed on next to the the radiator water cap.

After some arguement the mechanic, the young lady shouted "Hey! that's the cap right there on the engine you are repairing!"

 

Turns out the "710" cover = "OIL" cap turned upside down.....

 

 

Lau Ah Beng: Nin bei last time buona vista 99 wan kup corner si bei zai one ah! Ji ba km/h swee swee loh bo boon tey! A sai kup si bei low ah! Low until nin bei rims bua the tuo ka! Sat bo!

 

Young Ah Beng: Uncle... Tats so old school liao...

 

Lau Ah Beng: Si mi old school?! Li gong nin bei lau ah?! C*** C*** B***! Si gin na u! Bo dua bo suay!

 

Young Ah Beng: Really wat uncle... Now the trend different from your time liao... Now we kup corners, our helmet must bua the floor instead...

 

Lau Ah Beng: Wah! Helmet bua tuo ka ah!? An ni low ah?! Chao chao ai kup 180km/h! 99 wan oso ah?

 

Young Ah Beng: Bo lah... 10km/h.... Multi storey carpark...

 

Lau Ah Beng: >.

 

lmao, reminded me of the time an uncle bragged abt being caught by tp for speeding and kantong license.. -_-"'

[Pandoras Kitten 3]

Lady: Why do motorcyclists always need to wear jackets

 

Me: To protect from wind blast (@100kph = hurricane force wind), stones kicked up by other vehicles, etc

 

Lady: How come got stones flying one?

 

Me: Car run over debris on road, stone fly at you at 120kph how?

 

Lady: Erm, thanks for sharing.

 

---

 

 

Not bad, can use to educate ppl to gear up

[DeusExMachina]

 

Lady: Why do motorcyclists always need to wear jackets

Me: To protect from wind blast (@100kph = hurricane force wind), stones kicked up by other vehicles, etc

Lady: How come got stones flying one?

Me: Car run over debris on road, stone fly at you at 120kph how?

Lady: Erm, thanks for sharing.

 

---

 

 

 

 

Say what? Was that meant to be a joke?

 

 

Anyway... ugly fat chick falls off a dirtbike. Always gets me in stitches....

[antartica]

how about this

 

A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow.

As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road.

Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma.

When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says,

"****, I must have killed the biker".

[antartica]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to friendly auto shop when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee:$1.00

Total:$21.00

 

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can toavoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Look under bike getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower bike from jack stands.

34) Move bike back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive bike.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Bike gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get bike from impound yard.

 

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI:$2500.00

Impound fee:$75.00

Bail:$1500.00

Beer:$20.00 2-Year

DUI Insurance: $8,000.00

Total:$12,145.00

But you know the job was done right

[antartica]

Dear Abby....

 

 

Dear Abby,

 

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

 

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

 

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

 

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

 

-Mike West

[antartica]

http://www.bikerlifeblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/funny-biker-jokes.jpg

[antartica]

a little sexist... but still funny

for female bikers... change women to men

 

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

 

 

A motorcycle does not care if you are politically correct or not.

A motorcycle doesn’t complain about being tied up.

A motorcycle doesn't care when you come.

A motorcycle doesn't get jealous when you ride another motorcycle.

A motorcycle doesn't mind being parked in the ""wet spot"" that it left.

A motorcycle goes good with leather.

A motorcycle is always ready to leave on time.

A motorcycle is never late.

A motorcycle never fishes for compliments.

A motorcycle will let you have your way with it.

A motorcycle won't complain about leaving the toilet seat up.

A motorcycle won't get upset if you come home with alcohol on your breath.

A motorcycle won't make you eat some experimental meal.

A motorcycle won't make you go to church.

A motorcycle won't make you sleep on the couch.

After you have ridden a motorcycle, you're committed to nothing.

If a motorcycle leaks all over the garage, it smells kind of good.

If you change Motorcycles, you don't have to pay alimony.

If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.

If you twist your throttle hard enough, you will always get ahead.

If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.

If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

It’s always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

Motorcycle labels come off without a fight.

Motorcycle labels don't go out of style every year.

Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

Motorcycles always look the same in the morning.

Motorcycles always sound pleasant.

Motorcycles are always easy to pick up.

Motorcycles are easy to dress up.

Motorcycles are easy to get on.

Motorcycles are fun to ride in a group.

Motorcycles are never overweight.

Motorcycles can’t change its mind.

Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.

Motorcycles don’t demand equality.

Motorcycles don’t get cold hands/feet.

Motorcycles don’t get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.

Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.

Motorcycles don’t have parents.

Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.

Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

Motorcycles don’t remember.

Motorcycles don’t snore.

Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.

Motorcycles won't blow you off.

Motorcycles don't care if you have no culture or manners.

Motorcycles don't complain about insensitivity.

Motorcycles don't complain about the way you drive.

Motorcycles don't demand legality.

Motorcycles don't get bad breath.

Motorcycles don't get cramps.

Motorcycles don't go crazy once a month.

Motorcycles don't have a lawyer.

Motorcycles don't have a mother.

Motorcycles don't have morals.

Motorcycles don't live with its mother.

Motorcycles don't look you up in a month.

Motorcycles don't make you go shopping.

Motorcycles don't mind football season.

Motorcycles don't mind getting dirty.

Motorcycles don't mind if you fart or belch.

Motorcycles don't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.

Motorcycles don't need much closet space.

Motorcycles don't need to go to the 'powder room'.

Motorcycles don't pout or play games.

Motorcycles don't tease you or play hard to get.

Motorcycles don't tell you to mow the grass.

Motorcycles don't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

Motorcycles don't use up your toilet paper.

Motorcycles don't wear a bra.

Motorcycles don't worry about someone walking in.

Motorcycles don't worry about waking the kids.

Motorcycles go down the road easy.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles never argue with you.

Motorcycles never ask for the remote.

Motorcycles never ask if an accessory makes it look fat.

Motorcycles never change the station.

Motorcycles never complain when you don’t stop and ask for directions.

Motorcycles never complain when you take it somewhere.

Motorcycles never have a headache.

Motorcycles never say no.

Motorcycles never talk back.

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

Motorcycles won't run off with your credit cards.

Motorcycles’ curves never sag.

No matter how many times you ride it, the motorcycle is still worth something.

Oil stains wash out.

One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.

Road rash heals.

When motorcycles get old you trade it out.

When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

When you go shopping, you know you can always pick up a motorcycle.

When your motorcycle is gone, you just get another.

With the odometer on zero, you always know that you are the first one to ride a motorcycle.

You can always talk to your motorcycle.

You can choke your motorcycle.

You can dress warmly and still ride a frigid motorcycle.

You can enjoy a motorcycle all month.

You can have more than one motorcycle.

You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

You can legally rent a motorcycle.

You can ride a motorcycle all night.

You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.

You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.

You can ride a motorcycle in public.

You can ride more than one motorcycle a night and not feel guilty.

You can share a motorcycle with your friends.

You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

You can upgrade your motorcycle at any time.

You can't catch anything but “euphoria” from a motorcycle.

You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

You don’t have to convince your Motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think that all Motorcycles are equals.

You don’t have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.

You don’t have to pay child support to an ex-motorcycle.

You don’t have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

You don’t have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.

You don't have to wash a motorcycle before it looks good.

You don't have to wine and dine a motorcycle.

You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.

You rarely (if ever) find motorcycle labels on the shower curtain rod.

Your Motorcycle doesn’t care what you’re wearing when you take it out.

Your motorcycle doesn’t get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.

Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

Your motorcycle will always wait patiently for you in the garage.

Your motorcycle won’t leave you for another rider.

Your motorcycle won’t wake you up at 2:00 AM and ask you if you love it.

Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

[antartica]

A biker was wandering around in a local shopping mall approaches a very attractive buxom young woman and asks

"Excuse me , I seem to have lost my wife ..... will you stay and talk to me for a few minutes?"

 

Feeling compelled to help the biker out she opens the conversation with "Sure I will . Do you have any idea where she might be?"

 

To which he answers " Well , I don't know really..... but every time I talk to a woman with a chest like yours she appears out of nowhere!"

[antartica]

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

 

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

 

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

 

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[antartica]

YOU MIGHT BE A BIKER IF:

 

Your best friends are named after animals.

Your best shoes have steel toes.

Every left shoe you own has a black spot on it from the shift lever.

You owned three different bikes before you ever owned a car.

You think Easy Rider has held up pretty well after all these years.

When you refer to Captain America, you mean the bike and not the comic book hero. You know that Marlon Brando rode a Triumph in The Wild One and not a Harley-Davidson.

You also know that it was Lee Marvin who rode the Harley in The Wild One.

You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.

Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbed wire.

You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste.

You're only sunburned on the back of your hands and neck.

You carry around a crushed beer can in case you have to park your bike on hot asphalt.

You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.

Your significant other has to climb over your bike to do the laundry in the basement. You don't know how to do laundry, but you have four different kinds of cleaners for your bike.

You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.

You wave at bikers even when you're in your car.

Your other vehicle is a truck equipped with a motorcycle ramp.

Your three piece suit consists of leather chaps, a leather vest, and a leather jacket.

Your other suit is a rain suit.

You wake up next to your lady and your first thought is if your bike will start.

You know where Sturgis is.

You take your kids for a ride on your bike before they can walk.

[antartica]

Q. How many SBF forum members it take to change a light bulb?

 

A.1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

 

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

 

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

 

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

 

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

 

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

 

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “lightbulb” is perfectly correct

 

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

 

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

 

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, whereto buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

 

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

 

15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs

 

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

 

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

 

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

 

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

 

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

 

13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

 

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t the brightest bulb.

 

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

 

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

 

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Pandoras Kitten 3]

antartica

 

One word: Awesome

 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

 

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

 

-Mike West

 

I agree with you that the bike is absolutely more reliable, complains less and thus has more priority